Hiding Behind a Screen

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Since launching my website, I have felt an overwhelming amount of love and support. I am so grateful for the kind words and the compliments I have received from friends, family, yogis, and acquaintances.  People have praised the website design, showed enthusiasm about The Dance Party, expressed interest in the luxury yoga vacations (details coming soon!), and read & commented on my blog posts. It has been a really humbling and eye-opening experience for me. But, perhaps the most surprising part of the whole thing has been to witness my OWN reaction to the attention.  The truth: I feel EMBARRASSED! Like, really embarrassed.

Social media is something I look at multiple times per day. And yet, I have never considered myself to be very active on social media because I was never someone that posted on my own feed daily.  And when I did sporadically post a photo, the content of my post was generally a pic of my baby girl, Elin, with an adorable caption. My posts were never overly personal. I did not feel like I was promoting myself. I never shared my perspective or intimate details of my life.

Now, with this website and all it entails, I feel like I am putting myself out there in a whole new way.  The supportive comments that I receive on instagram and facebook are awesome. I easily reply to those with a “thank you” or an appropriate emoji.  That part is easy and gratifying. Here’s the embarrassing part: When someone approaches me, in person, to discuss any of it, I want to crawl under a table and say, “please don’t look at me!”  I feel naked, vulnerable, and exposed. It is horrifying and, as a confident and outgoing girl, I have never experienced this before!

I have been thinking about it daily: Why am I having this reaction? Why am I embarrassed instead of proud? Why is the in-person attention so difficult for me to accept?

It is easy to hide behind a screen.  Behind a screen, we are not truly vulnerable. Behind a screen, we are just ideas and words.  Behind a screen, we are not success or failure. Behind screen, we are just pictures and fonts and language.

But in person, we are human beings with opinions, judgments, failures, strengths, weaknesses, compassions, fears, etc.  There is something so scary about it all when I share with people, face-to-face. I think to myself, “Wow - I have really put myself out there. What if he/she is judging me?  And what if I fail? Now everyone will know!” The self-doubt bubbles up and it’s all so much more REAL when I am discussing my goals with people, eye-to-eye.

As yoga and meditation teaches us to do, I will continue to sit with this discomfort. I will not run away from it. I will observe it and let it be. And my gut feeling is this: There is something beneficial to me stepping out of my comfort zone and sharing myself in this way. So I will continue to do so, even though it makes me uncomfortable.

 

Amy Schneider